This is the first time that I write my blog in English. I am not doing it because I want to “show” people that I can speak a second language. I am doing it to show myself that I can do it. I have to make a confesion here: I have FEAR. I have fear of not being good enough on this language and I have fear of failing.
Why do it in my blog? Because, writing in public is, actually, what I fear the most. And I think that is better to face that fear in my confort zone, which is my blog, my own space, the only place where nobody can edit me. In fact, I am doing it without any dictionary, Internet translation help or whatever. If I make mistakes, they are MY mistakes. Please, feel free to correct me.
This fear began now that I am thinking in getting a professional job. My partner always says that he believes in me, but for some reason I still feel that I am not good enough. I don`t know why. I have a lot of friends here that, having a similar English level as me, got Jobs. Good ones. If they can, I can, right? But there is a little detail: I am a Jounalist, I work with language, and even if I am really good in what I do, do it in another language seems SO hard.
I arrived here, to Adelaide, Australia, with a lot of confidence. I was completely open to do any job, if were necessary, to help myself and my partner to have a better life. In the first months, I tried very hard to improve my English, doing all the free activities that Adelaide can offer for foreings. And I achieved a lot. In addition, I did volunteer jobs as well, to socialize and get a better understanding of the aussie accent, which is damn hard. (sorry, Australians)
Another confession: when I started to look for a job, I went to this interview for a telemarketing possition. I reckoned that because I did it once in Chile, while I was unemployed after the radio kicked me out, I could do it here as well. However, the guys from the company weren`t agree with me. In fact, they asked me how I could do telemarteking, having such an accent. I still don`t know if they were proving my self-confidence or they just were teasing me, but that completely broke me. I cried all the way back home. I think that I may have fear of looking for a professional job because I am terrified of get the same experience, all over again.
That migth sounds stupid, but when you are an over sensitive person, that kind of things really go into your mind. I have a friend that said that I am too EMO, and yes, probably I am. Or, I am just too out spoken about it, while other people keep it for themselves.
In this moment I have a job that is, as aussies would say, “not to bad”. In fact, If I convert my salary to Chilean pesos, I am earning the same here - in a casual retail possition - than in my last pro-fulltime job in Chile. If I spend the money back home, that would be quite good, but here… not really. But money is not the main issue for me when I think about work, is more about challenges.
In fact, I kind of feel like I am doing something cool just having a non qualificated crappy job, because I never did this before, I never had too. I had the luck to have a nice, comfortable situation all of my life, so I never did any simple job to survive. I never worked in summers, I never delivered flyers like other friends or waitressing. I never HAD TO. In some way, I always felt like I wasn`t as strong as my friends that had to break their backs to survive while they were studying at the Uni. So, for me, doing this is a pesonal challenge… but one that sooner or latter, is not going to be fun anymore.
Have fear about this make me feel like a fool. Probably, some people are thinking ”what is she talking about? Her English is ok” Well, I can communicate and most of the people that I have met here told me so, but the thing is that is not perfect. And that is the bloody problem. I am too demanding with myself.
So, this is all… my first fully English written blog. Not to fanzy, but in some way therapeutic. Not that I am thinking that is important for anyone but myself, but still feels good jump into the pool of public judgement. Excuse me if this one is not funny at all, but no worries, I will keep the humor for the next time.
Good night and Good luck.